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Gambling Addiction and SEO: Get Back to the Trailer Park!

Articles in Search Engine Optimization | By August R. Garcia

Published 1 week agoTue, 05 Feb 2019 12:54:59 -0800 | Last update 1 week agoTue, 05 Feb 2019 12:57:17 -0800

Nobody, I don’t care if you’re Z go to bar 4 pm or if you’re basstruckerboat, nobody knows if a site is gonna go up, down, sideways or in fucking circles, least of all SEO consultants, right? It’s all a fugazi. Do you know what fugazi is?

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Some people like to go down to the nice roulette tables.

Some people like to buy nice computer coins.

Some people like to travel back in time with Katy Perry to save Steve Irwin run websites like they're at a fucking casino.

But, as you know, these are all the same thing: Setting money on fire. Also known as gambling.

Anyway, it’s time to complain about some children making bad financial decisions.

Gambling Addiction and SEO: Get Back to the Trailer Park!

So, there you are at the trailer park, drinking the finest $7 whiskey out of a plastic bottle. There’s fucking trains and shit going by, you only own two pairs of pants, and your mother’s health is failing—if she dies, who will pay for your cell phone bill? It’s time to make some cocksucking money…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYWRhDaUod0

Anyway, rendering services or actually selling goods is hard. So fuck all that shit. Just install a default WordPress installation, somehow make it look even worse, and make an Amazon Affiliate site. Not a good Amazon Affiliate site; a shitty Amazon Affiliate site. Put like twelve pages on it and then just assume that those will all rank #1 in the SERPs with a 17% conversion rate. Publishing content and rendering services that have a profit-per-sale of more than $3.50 is for homosexuals—and as we know, homosexuals are fucking gay.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan...

Sanjay: Right. I gotta say, I’m incredibly excited to be a part of your firm. I mean…the clients you have are absolutely…

Durgesh: Fuck the clients. Nobody, I don’t care if you’re Z go to bar 4 pm or if you’re basstruckerboat, nobody knows if a site is gonna go up, down, sideways or in fucking circles, least of all SEO consultants, right? It’s all a fugazi. Do you know what fugazi is?

Sanjay: Fugazi, it’s-a fake and gay… mama mia...

Durgesh: Yeah, fugazi, fogazi. It’s a wazi, it’s a woozi. It’s…fairy dust. It doesn’t exist, it’s never landed, it is no matter, it’s not on the elemental chart. It’s not fucking real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM6exo00T5I

Sanjay: Anyway, time to go PhotoShop some SERPBook graphs. Good thing we can’t be prosecuted for fraud, since we live in India or Pakistan or wherever.

Durgesh: Hell yeah. Smoke weed literally every day.

What a Nice Guru Blog

Anyway, after a hard day of losing $600 of welfare money at the slot machines, you still have like two hours left to LARP as an Internet marketer before spending the rest of the night looking at pictures of celebrities’ feet.

As you read on the latest guru blog, you need to get some nice backlinks to shitty-radio-affiliate-site.xyz. Learning is hard—and book learning is for queers—instead of doing that, it’s time to hire some Indians who are clearly lying to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLjWJy5IXQU

Sanjay: And that’s just from using the principles found on this guru blog?

Durgesh: That’s just from running this guru blog.

It’s Time to Buy Some Nice SEO

You might ask yourself, why are Katy Perry and Gerald (from Hey Arnold!) traveling back in time to save Steve Irwin as part of this SEO service? But that would require effort.

It’s time spend $700 per month on garbage HIGH QUALITY BACKLINKS, WEB 2.0S, SOCIAL SIGNALS, AND PAUL AND ANGEL LINKS THAT GOOGLE LOVES! YOU CAN’T RANK WITHOUT THESE COCKSUCKING LINKS AFTER GOOGLE PENGUIN.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61i2iDz7u04

In conclusion, wassa-wassa-wassa-wassa-wassaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. I love shitty-seo-service.info.

Buy Cheap Revolvers Online (AKA, Pokemon Go to the Suicide Booth)

Anyway, now that you’re out of money, and your mother died of pneumonia or some shit, you probably need to kill yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07_Bgnv46fg&t=63s

So there you are, in your nice trailer park with your dead mother. You probably think to yourself, “what a garbage life. It’s time to die now.” You probably drink some nice plastic bottle whiskey, then put your cheap gun in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger.

The end.

Congratulations, your high quality life is now over. Unless you fucked that up too and shot your eyes out. At least then you could have a real GoFundMe.

In Conclusion

Search engine optimization is a “career” that can be described—in most cases—as both “fake” and “gay.” If you’re fucking sitting around all day drinking cheap whiskey LARPing about how you’re going to get to page #1 soon, at which point you will have eternal infinite money, you’re probably fucking wrong.

Stop Sucking Off Billion Dollar Corporations

Stop sucking off multi billion dollar search engines that don’t give a fuck about you. If your entire marketing strategy is based on ranking in the SERPs, make sure you save enough money for a cheap gun when all the eggs you put in one leftist propaganda basket inevitably shatter.

Also, don’t use marketing strategies that are entirely dependent on other companies either (e.g., FaceBook et. al.).

Sell Real Products

Consider actually selling a product that isn’t fucking trash. Good luck making money shilling for cheap dish rags, or at least good luck with that at your paltry scale.

Make Sure You’re Autistic

Make sure you actually have autism before you try to “hack the SERPs with Sherlock Holmes.”

If you don’t have autism, you can always get some nice vaccines from Barack “Hussein” Obama and the nanny state.

Finally...

Do you want to have a fun time putting a cheap gun in your mouth while drinking plastic bottle whiskey? Stop making bad choices.

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Posted by August R. Garcia 1 week ago

Edit History

• [2019-02-05 12:54 PST] August R. Garcia (1 week ago)
🕓 Posted at 05 February, 2019 12:54 PM PST

Profile Photo - August R. Garcia August R. Garcia Posting on Internet... Portland, OR
🗎 60 🗨 481 🐏 86
Site Owner

Grahew Mattham

August Garcia is some guy who used to sell Viagra on the Internet. He made this website to LARP as a sysadmin while posting about garbage like user-agent spoofing, spintax, the only good keyboard, virtual assitants from Pakistan, links with the rel="nofollow" attributeproxies, regular expressions, sin, and probably some other trash.


Account created 2 months ago.
60 posts, 481 comments, and 86 RAMs.

Last active 1 day ago:
Commented in thread [Master Thread] Notifications for Scheduled Downtime

Profile Photo - eeeeeeee eeeeeeee Rope Wholesaler
🗎 3 🗨 65 🐏 139
Moderator

I just ordered a nice seo package called Ligma Rank - High Quality Links That Will Tell Google to Ligma Balls

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Posted by eeeeeeee 1 week ago 🕓 Posted at 05 February, 2019 13:07 PM PST

buy cheap rope with Amazon Prime

Profile Photo - Scuffed Dog Scuffed Dog Shopping cart techni... Horseshoe Bay
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Quality User

I have autism and that's the first time I hear about hacking the SERPs with Sherlock Holmes! I had no idea such thing exists lol. BIG thank you!

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Posted by Scuffed Dog 1 week ago 🕓 Posted at 05 February, 2019 13:22 PM PST
Profile Photo - Huevos Rancheros Huevos Rancheros
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Staff

But Dr House didn't become and MD just to be called "Housey" by the likes of you...

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Posted by Huevos Rancheros 1 week ago 🕓 Posted at 06 February, 2019 05:36 AM PST
Profile Photo - eeeeeeee eeeeeeee Rope Wholesaler
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Moderator

don't forget the part where you roleplay as an internet marketer so hard that you end up writing an ebook about seo and buying from sarkar

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Posted by eeeeeeee 1 week ago 🕓 Posted at 06 February, 2019 05:43 AM PST

buy cheap rope with Amazon Prime

Profile Photo - eeeeeeee eeeeeeee Rope Wholesaler
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then how you look for a small loan or credit card so that

you can max it out on a nice cheap pharmacy site

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Posted by eeeeeeee 1 week ago 🕓 Posted at 06 February, 2019 05:50 AM PST

buy cheap rope with Amazon Prime

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