256 Kilobytes

Holy shit: People are really bad at making money online.

"How do these brain dead children make money on the Internet," you might ask.

How do these brain dead children make money on the Internet

- You

Well, I'm here to tell you the top five ways that these god damn idiots somehow manage to make money online.

The Top 5 Ways to Make Money on the Internet (If You're Completely Incompetent)

From worst to best, starting with...

5. Getting Paid to Fail to Follow Basic Instructions

If you believe that IQ is all a conspiracy theory, try hiring some VAs. No matter how good your flowcharts, internal documentation, and spoonfeeding is, there are huge swaths of cheap virtual assistants who--despite, at least as far as I can tell, not being malicious--are completely, unequivocally incapable of learning to perform basic tasks.

I mean, look at this guy, he must have an IQ of 8:

Paste this in thread then sk ype me I need 5 UK eBay accounts within three days. I've been told you are the best in the business so please dont let me down.

Screenshot Credit: Sherbert Hoover of Content Train, originally posted in this thread.

Whether it's data entry, email outreach, or web 2.0 creation. you can bet that a virtual assistant would be glad to Follow Your Instructions Perfectly. Kindly let me know the details of the Work. I will begin ASAP and quite serious with any job fuck up tremendously and then disappear.

VAs survive because people think, ‘oh this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break. I can’t stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I guess I’ll hire him or marry him.

If I had a dollar for every skilled VA, I would be on welfare.

4. Pretending to be an SEO Consultant

Look at this shit:

Powerful & High Quality Diversify SEO Package At 30% Off

During the last few weeks, we've had more than 200 people Ordered our Powerful & High Quality Diversify SEO Service. More than 100 of them received Awesome Result And Huge Serp Movement, around 50 are now Our Permanent Client and over 20 of them Are Reselling Our Service and have already started getting better rankings in search engines therefore boosting their traffic!

Don't lose the chance to try our service! We offer the most efficient, modern and best-performing SEO methods at the best price on the market! We are Offering right now 30% OFF.

Hurry up to get the Powerful & High Quality Diversify SEO Package at 30% OFF!

Few Recent Results

[INSERT PHOTOSHOPPED SERPBOOK GRAPHS HERE]

Do you see the fucking shit that lands in your spam box every five minutes if you've ever registered a domain? This is what shows up after following that email to the guy's website:

Sir I will do you a nice SEO

> Gets "200 orders" over "last few weeks"

> Has lorum ipsum in the banner of the site's homepage

> ok-buddy.png

Anyone who speaks incoherent broken English who is capable of lying on the Internet can easily make at least a few thousand dollars per month reselling overpriced Fiverr gigs and GSA blasts.

Like this scene, but Leonard DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey are in India and are also incomptent.

Are you an incompetent asshole who wants free money? Then you should also do this.

3. Installing Default WordPress Installations

Here is some basic shit that you don't even need to bother knowing how to do:

  • Put a fucking tint over the image in your site's banner
  • Write literally any PHP
  • Ever look at raw HTML
  • Be able to turn on a computer

Do you like rolling around in free money because dentists are afraid to turn on a computer? Then it's time to install some overpriced WordPress installations.

Make sure you get paid upfront.

2. Spamming Garbage Surveys

There are fucking zero real Clash of Whatever Free Gems Generator hacks. 

The hack videos are fake, the testimonials are bought on Fiverr, and the "real time comments" are a bunch of spintax duct taped together with some JavaScript.

Any mobile game that makes money by in-app purchases (which is all of them) synchronizes itself with a server. 

Do you want to cash in on preteens, divorced women with Valium addictions, and rich Saudi immigrants? Then you too can:

  • Step 1: Register "mynicehacks.info"
  • Step 2: Set up a nice looking form -- "choose your hack - click these fucking settings, since having settings makes this form look more legit -- be sure to look at these nice CSS transition effects, since those also would make you think this is a real form, but it's not.
  • Step 3: Duct tape a content locker to your form (i.e., force users to take a survey after hitting "submit" but before getting the "hack"
  • Step 4: Get like six cents per person who fills out your shitty Domino's Pizza Survey. Trick the same people into filling out like eight different surveys, even though none of them go anywhere. I mean, if they're looking up "Tanks of War" hacks, they're probably dumb enough to sit there in a loop for an hour.
  • Step 5: Blast the piss out of your domain of it with Fiverr gigs and $1 PBN links to rank in the SERPs for "best nice legit clans of hack legends gems free now"
  • Step 6: ???
  • Step 7: Profit
  • Step 8: Make 20 more of these sites while waiting for a domain ban to remove your site from SERPs.
  • Step 9: Return to step 1

1. Shilling for Jeff Bezos

Jeff Bezos is probably richer than you. Probably because he has tens of thousands of Indians shilling for his $5 dish rags. If you are some fucking casual who wants to make money through affiliate marketing, you're probably going to start with the Amazon Associates program. Everyone and his dog can get precious Bit Coins shilling for dish rags and candles and shit.

So sorry to hear the news about Jeff Bozo being taken down by a competitor whose reporting, I understand, is far more accurate than the reporting in his lobbyist newspaper, the Amazon Washington Post. Hopefully the paper will soon be placed in better & more responsible hands!

Source: Your Favorite President (on Twitter)

The Amazon Associates program is reaslistically one of the better ways to make money on the Internet, if you're retarded. Amazon's referral links probably even work correctly. And they probably even pay you money, assuming that you're fine with being completely dependent on like 18 third parties not fucking you over on a whim that may or may not even have anything to do with you. Jeff "Fuck You I'm Rich as Hell" Bezos is probably laughing his way all the way to divorce court the bank.

You can shill for Amazon if you want; but you'll never be richer than Jeff Bezos by doing it.

Honorable Mentions:

Finding Rare Words (Also Known as Keyword Research)

Ommitted since this is actually a valuable task. As a bonus, here are some nice keywords for anyone who does affiliate sales for Rogaine:

  • Elon musk hair transplant
  • Elon musk bald
  • Elon musk hairline
  • Elon musk hair plugs
  • Elon musk hair

And some more nice keywords for anyone out there:

Making Lights Turn Green on Yoast (Also Known as Content Writing)

Ommitted since the average human has at least some semblance of an idea of how much content writing might cost (and what it should look like). These are the correct rates for content writing, to be clear:

Writer Guidelines: Pay Per Word by Writer Type and What to Expect

As mentioned previously here:

In Conclusion

You may think that it's hard to make money on the Internet. But you would be wrong. I mean, India is a country.

What a great post. Want to learn more about what it's like to make money stabbing your way through hordes of scammers, robots, and Prolific Native Writers who can Do You a Nice S E O? Become a Subscriber and get instant access to The Ultimate Guide to Internet Marketing [Subscribers-Only Link], a 14,000+ word eBook with everything you need to know about Internet marketing, as well full access to the rest of the eBook library.

Users Who Have Downloaded More RAM:
Huevos Rancheros (6 months ago)
🐏 ⨉ 1
Posted by August R. Garcia 6 months ago

Edit History

• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
• [2019-01-14 8:16 PST] August R. Garcia (6 months ago)
🕓 Posted at 14 January, 2019 08:16 AM PST

Profile Photo - August R. Garcia August R. Garcia LARPing as a Sysadmi... Portland, OR
๐Ÿ—Ž 163 ๐Ÿ—จ 847 ๐Ÿ 252
Site Owner

Grahew Mattham

August Garcia is some guy who used to sell Viagra on the Internet. He made this website to LARP as a sysadmin while posting about garbage like user-agent spoofing, spintax, the only good keyboard, virtual assitants from Pakistan, links with the rel="nofollow" attributeproxiessin, the developer console, literally every link building method, and other junk.

Available at arg@256kilobytes.com, via Twitter, or arg.256kilobytes.com. Open to business inquiries based on availability.


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