The Top 5 Ways to Make Money on the Internet (If You're Completely Incompetent)
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Sir I can do you a nice S E O.
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- The Top 5 Ways to Make Money on the Internet (If You're Completely Incompetent)
- 5. Getting Paid to Fail to Follow Basic Instructions
- 4. Pretending to be an SEO Consultant
- 3. Installing Default WordPress Installations
- 2. Spamming Garbage Surveys
- 1. Shilling for Jeff Bezos
- Honorable Mentions:
- Finding Rare Words (Also Known as Keyword Research)
- Making Lights Turn Green on Yoast (Also Known as Content Writing)
- In Conclusion
Holy shit: People are really bad at making money online.
"How do these brain dead children make money on the Internet," you might ask.
How do these brain dead children make money on the Internet
Well, I'm here to tell you the top five ways that these god damn idiots somehow manage to make money online.
The Top 5 Ways to Make Money on the Internet (If You're Completely Incompetent)
From worst to best, starting with...
5. Getting Paid to Fail to Follow Basic Instructions
If you believe that IQ is all a conspiracy theory, try hiring some VAs. No matter how good your flowcharts, internal documentation, and spoonfeeding is, there are huge swaths of cheap virtual assistants who--despite, at least as far as I can tell, not being malicious--are completely, unequivocally incapable of learning to perform basic tasks.
I mean, look at this guy, he must have an IQ of 8:
Whether it's data entry, email outreach, or web 2.0 creation. you can bet that a virtual assistant would be glad to
Follow Your Instructions Perfectly. Kindly let me know the details of the Work. I will begin ASAP and quite serious with any job fuck up tremendously and then disappear.
VAs survive because people think, ‘oh this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break. I can’t stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I guess I’ll hire him or marry him.
If I had a dollar for every skilled VA, I would be on welfare.
4. Pretending to be an SEO Consultant
Look at this shit:
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Few Recent Results
[INSERT PHOTOSHOPPED SERPBOOK GRAPHS HERE]
Do you see the fucking shit that lands in your spam box every five minutes if you've ever registered a domain? This is what shows up after following that email to the guy's website:
> Gets "200 orders" over "last few weeks"
> Has lorum ipsum in the banner of the site's homepage
Anyone who speaks incoherent broken English who is capable of lying on the Internet can easily make at least a few thousand dollars per month reselling overpriced Fiverr gigs and GSA blasts.
Like this scene, but Leonard DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey are in India and are also incomptent.
Are you an incompetent asshole who wants free money? Then you should also do this.
3. Installing Default WordPress Installations
Here is some basic shit that you don't even need to bother knowing how to do:
- Put a fucking tint over the image in your site's banner
- Write literally any PHP
- Ever look at raw HTML
- Be able to turn on a computer
Do you like rolling around in free money because dentists are afraid to turn on a computer? Then it's time to install some overpriced WordPress installations.
Make sure you get paid upfront.
2. Spamming Garbage Surveys
There are fucking zero real Clash of Whatever Free Gems Generator hacks.
Any mobile game that makes money by in-app purchases (which is all of them) synchronizes itself with a server.
Do you want to cash in on preteens, divorced women with Valium addictions, and rich Saudi immigrants? Then you too can:
- Step 1: Register "mynicehacks.info"
- Step 2: Set up a nice looking form -- "choose your hack - click these fucking settings, since having settings makes this form look more legit -- be sure to look at these nice CSS transition effects, since those also would make you think this is a real form, but it's not.
- Step 3: Duct tape a content locker to your form (i.e., force users to take a survey after hitting "submit" but before getting the "hack"
- Step 4: Get like six cents per person who fills out your shitty Domino's Pizza Survey. Trick the same people into filling out like eight different surveys, even though none of them go anywhere. I mean, if they're looking up "Tanks of War" hacks, they're probably dumb enough to sit there in a loop for an hour.
- Step 5: Blast the piss out of your domain of it with Fiverr gigs and $1 PBN links to rank in the SERPs for "best nice legit clans of hack legends gems free now"
- Step 6: ???
- Step 7: Profit
- Step 8: Make 20 more of these sites while waiting for a domain ban to remove your site from SERPs.
- Step 9: Return to step 1
1. Shilling for Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos is probably richer than you. Probably because he has tens of thousands of Indians shilling for his $5 dish rags. If you are some fucking casual who wants to make money through affiliate marketing, you're probably going to start with the Amazon Associates program. Everyone and his dog can get precious Bit Coins shilling for dish rags and candles and shit.
- Step 1: Register "bestgolfclubs.com"
- Step 2: Plan out a bunch of keywords.
- Best Waffle Makers
- Cuisinart WAF-F20 Double Belgian Waffle Maker Review
- Is the Hamilton Beach 4-Piece Belgian Waffle Maker (26020) legit?
- Cheap Belgian Waffle Makers
- Etc. Read this fucking guide:
- Step 3: Hire some cheap writers on Upwork to write your shitty articles for $0.01 per word
- Step 4: Buy some garbage Fiverr gigs. Not from the SEO consultants mentioned in entry #5; go directly to Fiverr and pick the cheapest fucking garbage you can find.
- Step 5. Blast the fucking piss out of your site and disregard everyone who tells you otherwise.
- Step 6: ???
- Step 7: Profit
- Step 8: Hope that the products you're shilling for continue to be sold, that they don't secretly have asbestos in them, and that Jeff "I Bought the Washington Post for $250 Million in Cash" Bezos continues to run the Amazon Associates program, because if any of those things happen, you should probably buy cheap rope online.
So sorry to hear the news about Jeff Bozo being taken down by a competitor whose reporting, I understand, is far more accurate than the reporting in his lobbyist newspaper, the Amazon Washington Post. Hopefully the paper will soon be placed in better & more responsible hands!
The Amazon Associates program is reaslistically one of the better ways to make money on the Internet, if you're retarded. Amazon's referral links probably even work correctly. And they probably even pay you money, assuming that you're fine with being completely dependent on like 18 third parties not fucking you over on a whim that may or may not even have anything to do with you. Jeff "Fuck You I'm Rich as Hell" Bezos is probably laughing his way all the way to
divorce court the bank.
You can shill for Amazon if you want; but you'll never be richer than Jeff Bezos by doing it.
Finding Rare Words (Also Known as Keyword Research)
Ommitted since this is actually a valuable task. As a bonus, here are some nice keywords for anyone who does affiliate sales for Rogaine:
- Elon musk hair transplant
- Elon musk bald
- Elon musk hairline
- Elon musk hair plugs
- Elon musk hair
And some more nice keywords for anyone out there:
- Elon Musk Club Penguin
- How many stomachs does a cow have
- Dabbling in the demonic
- You reposted in the wrong neighborhood
- Trials in tainted space cheats
- How long do snails sleep?
- Not sure if Nice Mattress Affiliates dot com is run by geniuses or morons.
- Edit: There's are three fucking mattress sites targeting this term:
- Fuck this shit fight me IRL we're getting in on this racket:
- I have the power of god and anime on my side
- The grimoire of the first necrolyte
- Are komodo dragons endangered?
- How to tie a noose
- There once was a man from Nantucket
- How long can a ball Python go without eating?
- What did the Apache eat?
- How much does an Apache helicopter cost?
- What county is Apache Junction, AZ in?
- I Have Had It With These Monkey Fighting Snakes On This Monday To Friday Plane
Making Lights Turn Green on Yoast (Also Known as Content Writing)
Ommitted since the average human has at least some semblance of an idea of how much content writing might cost (and what it should look like). These are the correct rates for content writing, to be clear:
As mentioned previously here:
You may think that it's hard to make money on the Internet. But you would be wrong. I mean, India is a country.
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August Garcia is some guy who used to sell Viagra on the Internet. He made this website to LARP as a sysadmin while posting about garbage like user-agent spoofing, spintax, the only good keyboard, virtual assitants from Pakistan, links with the rel="nofollow" attribute, proxies, sin, the developer console, literally every link building method, and other junk.
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