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Today started off wonderfully, I went for a walk on the beach, stopped at a local cafe for breakfast and went home in a good state of mind ready to slave away for big dicked Jeff Bezos.
I make 90+% of my money from the Amazon Associates program, some of you may ask:
- Isn't it fucking retarded to put so much reliance on 1 source of income?
- Isn't is fucking stupid to do this when you're 1 Google update away from being hit hard?
- What if they closed it down?
Yes these are all good points, I am clearly a stupid fuck but you didn't ask this,what if Jeff fucks you?
Today I was fucked by Jeff Bezos, and I can confirm he did it in a very sneaky way with no lube and no warning other than some announcement I saw a month or so ago.
In my UK dashboard, this is what I saw in my data for yesterday.
Amazon.co.uk has always been very poor in performance for me and thankfully this change has not rolled out yet to amazon.com, but I'm pretty sure the trend of Amazon fucking their associates repeatedly will continue and I expect it to happen within the next year or so. They seem to be testing the scheme in Amazon.co.uk first.
What this is for the unaware is some sort of two tierd system of direct and redirect sales, I've tried to explain it here:
The problem with indirect sales, despite you doing everything Amazon asks (land a buyer on their site) they pay you a fraction of what they would with a direct sale....
EVEN IF THE FUCKING PRODUCT IS THE SAME.
The payment chart you see above is some of my sales for yesterday, they ARE ALL THE SAME PRODUCT. They are a replacement part for a particular tool.
£86 sales > £1.30 in commission
£60 sales > £4.20 in commission.
HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS MAKE SENSE JEFF?
But no, todays bad news does not end there with these two fantastic stories related to affiliate marketing.
The first, Google wants to end affiliate marketing:
Really this is a no big deal thing, use your fucking brain. Adblock is big with younger audiences so you can target them still, or just realise Google fucks up most of it's product launches.
AMAZON WANT TO PAY BIG PUBLISHERS UP FRONT TO HELP BOOST OVERSEAS SALES ON THEIR AFFILIATE PROGRAM.
Jeff what the actual fuck.
You cut our non-USA commissions and fuck us with this bull shit two tier system, SO THAT YOU CAN GO TO FUCKING BUZZ FEED and work with them.
BuzzFeed publish fake news and "what fucking Disney princess are you?" quizes. NOT product reviews Jeff, the wire cutter makes sense though fair enough but fuck you.
So what is the future of Amazon Associates program?
I think we all knew one day it would end and every day is a day closer to this happening, but this is a fucking AIDs system. If it's rolled out to amazon.com I might just develop a crack habbit and give blow jobs for $30 under a local bridge.
Or we can be smart and plan ahead, what other replacement programs are there? What else can you do with a product review site? Is now the time to sell before everything falls off a cliff?
What do you think and did Jeff also hit your prostate?
Let me know.
Next time you want to do something like this at least take me out for dinner first.
I like to be wined and dined before I'm FUCKED.
"THAT DOG IS GETTING RAPED" - Terry A. Davis
Sir, I can do you a nice SEO.
That's why I shut my affiliate site down to invest in a pyramid scheme.
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